Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press

A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.

Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”

chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.

I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”

I took biscuits with me on a date once.

She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.

excuse me

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands

When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it

the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.

When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything

Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”

I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

Mike is short for Micycle

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

me: [climbing a tree]

bonsai artist: please stop