to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
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[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
peep davidson
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
