to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
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When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
My work’s 401K has four levels of risk/return. I signed up for the riskiest level that invests only in timeshares and lottery tickets. You have to spend money to make money.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.