[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
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If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
So the ex texted me
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
It’s an epidemic…
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People