To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
You Might Also Like
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
Seems legit
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart