To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
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When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.