Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

Child: [eating cereal]

Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.

Child: Thank you.

Me [taking a step]: *crunch*

Child:

Me: There it is.

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.

Yes my dude

11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?

Me: That depends. How old are you?

11: I’m eleven.

Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha

11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.

Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”

Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.

If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.

“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”

“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”

“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”

Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year

{During Mass}

Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?

“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!

Onion rings.

Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.

You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!

Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?

16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?

Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”

Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”

Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.

Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.