[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
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Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
😩😩😩
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again