Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own

*presses wheelchair accessible button*

*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*

“We’re here for a haircut.”

Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?

Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*

Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.

Y’all ready for this

$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here

What an exciting day!

First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.

#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*

Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless

“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.

If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.

Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

The only highlight of a brutal moving day:

Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”

4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”

When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️

started wrapping my pills in cheese

INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?

ME: No I haven’t

When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.

{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet

Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that

I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.