@frogpissmouth

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears

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@fro_vo

[first date]
ME: are you having fun
DATE: yes i am
ME: *hands menu back to waiter* i will also have the fun

@daemonic3

Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”

@AllanForsyth

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

@singleplaiddad

Day 3 of self isolation:

Hour 7432:

Alexa and I are engaged…

Siri is kinda jealous…

It’s either gonna get interesting or ugly…

@Smug_Lemur

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

@mydanimarie

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

@drugleaf

the only proof i have that there is a god is that one time i saw a dude in a “Bazinga” shirt get into a car and drive directly into a tree

@ilovepie84

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

@OmarNajam

Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!