[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
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Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them