ME: are you having fun
DATE: yes i am
ME: *hands menu back to waiter* i will also have the fun
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
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Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Day 3 of self isolation:
Alexa and I are engaged…
Siri is kinda jealous…
It’s either gonna get interesting or ugly…
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
the only proof i have that there is a god is that one time i saw a dude in a “Bazinga” shirt get into a car and drive directly into a tree
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!