@frogpissmouth

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears

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@Dustinkcouch

An assault rifle that only shoots blanks should be called a JK-47!

I am fun at parties please invite me to them.

@KKAlThani

I have two feelings in Ramadan, it’s either “I’m hungry” or “I shouldn’t have eaten this much”

@tracietom

*at Wal-Mart*

Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle

Me: It’s not us this time

*we fist bump*

@TrueDee

You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…

@momtransparent1

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

@NYC_Blonde

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

@pinupteacher

[me on phone with mechanic]

Car won’t start. I think it’s the battery. Or power steering. Could be a fuse. Wheels, probably wheels. Engine.

@Sickayduh

[NBA Postgame]
*LeBron wearing his fake glasses*

“Questions? Yes, Lois Lane from Daily Planet”

“Yeah hi. I’ll wait til LeBron comes out”

@paulg

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.