[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
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bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music