To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
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That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*