To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
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Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
How to wake up a Beagle
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
“you changed” bro i was 15
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.