To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
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Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies