To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
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MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
the battle rages on
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
u guys got any snacks onboard here