To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
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“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
How do horror writers compete with current events?
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
The French cow says MEUX…
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with