Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

I hope it’s French Onion!

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*

*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*

Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts

I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.

You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family

If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July

“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac

A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming

It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.

My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest

Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry

Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.