[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
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“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!