@SortaBad

To impress a woman in the workplace, ignore her body and compliment her IDEAS. Example: Sharon it was a great idea to wear that tight skirt

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@djdarrellripley

Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!

Me: That’s a pretty good trade…

@Sam_Posts

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

@torrami

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

@NinsunG

Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on…

– me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants

@alovablenerd

[first date]

Date: how much do you drink a week?

Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.

Date: right.. Let’s do shots.

Me: i love shots.

Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha

@Amusitr0n

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

@sadvil

2006: *spends more on ringtones than the total cost of my phone*

2019: if my phone rings at all I will literally throw it away

@GodShammGod9

My great grandma started to giggle at a barbecue and when I asked what’s funny she said ” everyone here is alive because I got laid “.

@UncleBob56

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

@ipalatsky

Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.