Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
To impress a woman in the workplace, ignore her body and compliment her IDEAS. Example: Sharon it was a great idea to wear that tight skirt
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18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on…
– me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
2006: *spends more on ringtones than the total cost of my phone*
2019: if my phone rings at all I will literally throw it away
My great grandma started to giggle at a barbecue and when I asked what’s funny she said ” everyone here is alive because I got laid “.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.