To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
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I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
shazam but for random noises outside
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars