To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
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[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Thursday
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?