To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
You Might Also Like
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery