To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
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when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver