To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
You Might Also Like
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
