Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.

Me: *works out entire body a lot*

Arms: Lol no

Abs: Ehhh

Butt: haha what

Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.

Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…

*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter

“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.

Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.

Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—

Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO

Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*

Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem

Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: god created amnesia bc of you

(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

[sees giant spider in house]

[tells girlfriend “I got this”]

[slowly rolls up magazine]

[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]

At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

one week till the election

I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.

She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.