To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
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teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
That was easy.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.