Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
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INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
boss: I’ve been reviewing the security footage from last night and…
me: OH SHIT!
boss: OH SHIT IS RIGHT! YOUR DANCE MOVES ARE ON POINT!
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
E R: Y
! ! ! !