To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
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If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.