Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”

Mean The Same Thing.

Unless You’re At A Funeral.

PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted

[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.

Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again

People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.

When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?

I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!

but nooooo, he’s still alive

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.

“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”

GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd

I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.

When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.

I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat

me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”

i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:

“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”

me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”

there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.

THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem

The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with

Me: When do you install the lasers?

Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…

Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?