To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
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Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”