Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.

I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.

All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.

[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”

instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?

Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.

Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?

I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.

I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.

4: Let’s play.

Me: Ok.

4: You can be the mommy.

Me: Sure.

4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.

Me: Nope, I’m out.

Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!

When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.

Double negatives are never not confusing.

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.

I almost dropped my Walkman.

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”

15: “ya”

Me: “What colour’d you use?”

15: “I used orange.”

Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”

– mac n cheese has it’s own language.

date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist

[at the gym]

Friend: This sauna is way too hot!

Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.

I have the attention of a goldfish.

Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.

I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.