To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Comparing yourself to others
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I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
my lower back watching me try to live my life
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her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best