(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
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When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
also my go-to takeaway order
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??