(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
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No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
taking June’s advice to heart
