To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
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[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
sometimes we need to be reminded
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
thoughts?
