To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
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Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee