To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
You Might Also Like
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
All excellent questions
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Jesus Christ lmao
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
This kid is going places
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.