To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
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My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.