Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*

disney ceo: live action little mermaid

animator: yep

ceo: it’s in the ocean

animator: got it

ceo: coral reefs

animator: understood

ceo: lots of fish

animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket

Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?

me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water

Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance

It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.

Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.

My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

Daughter: goodnight Mama.

Wife: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Dada.

Me: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Moon.

Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.

Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.

Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.

The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.

*first and last day as a therapist *

patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room

me: you’re not alone

patient: aaaahhhhhhh

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”

If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.

Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.