“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
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Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep