“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
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[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.