Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*brings nachos to your exorcism*

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

“What’s your name?”

“Sharky.”

“Is that your real name?”

“Does it matter?”

“I guess not.”

*hands me my order*

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

agent: *getting tortured* do your worst

villain: why would i do that

agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough

villain: i’m always doing my best

agent: i know. you’re doing great

villain: thanks

“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”

*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*

You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.

Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though

friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?

me: with ease

My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”

F Bombs for everyone! 😃

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.

So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.

“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.

No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.

I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.

[Entomologist Meeting]

Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?

Guy who named the fly: A crawl?

G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd

ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose

PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance

My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee

Purse Rules:

1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses

2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs