To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
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I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Erm I’m gonna say no
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever