To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
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[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
what day is it?
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.