Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!

*Gets on Twitter*

*Looks up as ship is sailing off*

I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.

Send help.

I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.

I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.

*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*

LADY: MY JACKET!!!

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?

My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.

Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth

Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.

Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.

Body: Maybe drink water? Just once

ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.

Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.

9 yo: MOM

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread

Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.

interviewer: can you work overtime?

me: *nodding* and space

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

OH. COME. ON.

[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”

Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod