Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another

Him: do you have a pen?

Me: yes. (walks away)

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

Me (answers phone): HELL-o

Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83

Me: Please leave a message

My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.

[Spelling bee, to clench victory]

“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”

Judges?

(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)

Correct.

Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”

[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes

Ok I just started watching House M.D.:

1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?

calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁

“Nom nom nom”

– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food

Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.

me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries

kfc: you mean potato wedges?

me: yes potato wedges please

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied

Breaking news:

oh, you’re in a situationship?

are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?

We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors

me: what’s your biggest turnoff

her: noisy people

me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?

[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*

Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”

[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*