To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
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Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Okay, I’m still confused…
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
i did the math
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom