To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
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If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
secret recipe
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening