To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
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I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Our lord and savoury.
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Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Yes, but it was never about money
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