to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
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this is how life feels
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case