Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time

Welcome to Twitter.

Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.

Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.

“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”

Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?

Amazon Customer Service: …what

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”

Genie:

In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.

Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.

Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.

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In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?