to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around
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Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
I am never leaving this website
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.