Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while

Me: I had a cold

Them: it’s been 7 months

Me: I had a lot of colds

Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!

Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.

Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …

warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer was “Nun of the Above”.

In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.

What do we want?!

A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!

When do we want it?!

NOW!

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.

Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat

I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.

Affordable healthcare, bb!

Me: Why is your face so cold??

Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.

interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.

There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.

The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.