To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
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Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
*cough*
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket