Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.

Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.

HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?

Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous

no caffeine: day 6

-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead

If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.

When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea

Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!

Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

Just this preview of the story is enough

Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.

*tries to get in your pantries*

There is no typo here.

[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons

[First date]

Her: I like bad boys.

Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.