Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.

Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.

Me: it’s not illegal

Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.

Me: but it’s not illegal

Cop: no, no it’s not

Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest

Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”

Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?

happy mother’s day❤️

*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn

If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.

If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple

The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.

I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.

The options really are this bad

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.

BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?

HAIR: Yeah!

RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.

That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.

Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task

I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy