To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
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me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
The Birdles
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I bet birds love this building.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”