Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.

omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺

The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.

(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all

you have three unread messages

[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,

I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.

if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.

Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster

My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?

Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”

People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.

The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.

Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake