To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
You Might Also Like
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Me when I hear gossip
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil