Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep

Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine

Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep

Internet: European dragon flu

Me: Oh nooooo

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!

It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.

Only Americans understand

DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?

WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.

Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?

Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]

Interested in both term and whole life insurances.

I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.

“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”

Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.

Family: Puts on last night’s movie.

Me: Falls asleep.

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.

Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.

Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.

me: hi do you take walk-ins?

groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?

you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant