To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
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Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Cats (2019)
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
a McRib killed my tapeworm
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨