To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
You Might Also Like
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
HOW DARE YOU
Left at a local drug store…
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.