Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool

In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.

Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.

But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?

ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing

HER: no I just said that I do pilates

ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land

I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.

If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.

there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball

[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.

that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker

HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.

Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job

My Dog:

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

[at Super Bowl party]

Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK

Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow

Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON

mom gave me mine for free

Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat

them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait

*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW