To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
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I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Air conditioning – not a fan
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
the battle rages on
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that