To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

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Is there a morning after pill to erase all the texts from the night before?


According to my google history, I spent most of last night trying to buy a llama.


Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.


[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?


The only way to make conservatives feel threatened by climate change is to convince them the climate is gay.


Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.


I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.


The Super Bowl is a great opportunity to let 200 million people know your ad agency sucks.


Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.


When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.