To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
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Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her