@MelvinofYork

To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

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@maybenotstef

Is there a morning after pill to erase all the texts from the night before?

@JD_Barney

According to my google history, I spent most of last night trying to buy a llama.

@Test_of_Steron

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

@chrisdowning

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

@TheTweetOfGod

The only way to make conservatives feel threatened by climate change is to convince them the climate is gay.

@radtoria

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

@causticbob

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.

@juliussharpe

The Super Bowl is a great opportunity to let 200 million people know your ad agency sucks.

@Breadery

Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.

@HomeProbably

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.