To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 馃グ馃グ馃グ
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When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I鈥檇 love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
I鈥檝e shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It鈥檚 very tiring but hopefully it鈥檚 helping.
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He鈥檚 hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
I know there鈥檚 a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.
JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Sign at work today
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.馃槩
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.